I feel lost

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I feel lost at the moment.

I cant breath.

I cant fight.

I cant live.

There are days in everyones life that you just cant fight past. Today, for me, is one of those days. Death was the only thought that hit me first thing this morning. I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to go to work, I just wanted to die. So I tried to die, as that was the only cure out of this mess I could think of. I took a bunch of strong pills, and fell asleep on the sofa, praying that I wouldn’t wake up. But like before, I did. But this time I didn’t cry, I felt some sort of relief. Im glad I failed this time, because I now know I have to fight past this feeling. I have to fight past this flooding emotion of sadness, because if I don’t, then he has won. Now I feel nothing but ill, worse than I did last night. Its a wake up call, as if a message to say I am stronger than this. If I survive this emotion, then I am stronger than I have ever been. I am not one to sit back and wait for this to pass, because what will that achieve? The answer is nothing. It will achieve nothing but grief for my family and friends. I don’t want my pain to cause others pain. I don’t want to let my family suffer because of what happened to me, because then it means it defines my personality. It will define who I am as a person, and he doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve to have that attention on him. Because nothing will happen. He won’t pay for what he’s done, he won’t suffer the way I did. He’d just carry on with his life, as if nothing happened, and id be buried in the ground somewhere. Thats not justice.

As I write this, it makes me realise what I have been putting myself through, my family through. I have been torturing them with my own pain and grief. If I want to fight past this, I need help. I know that now.

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