I started this blog just over two years ago (once again missed the anniversary), and since then my mental health has improved drastically. Because of this, you might have noticed the blog changing over the years. It began as an online journal, to a more informative website with tips and advice on self-care. I love that my blog has progressed along side my mental health, and gives me more motivation to help others who feel how I once did. But because of the blogs two year anniversary, I wanted to write a classic Daisies and Bruises post on how it felt to feel burnt out.
If you’re new to this blog, I was sexually assaulted three years ago. Instead of opening up about it, I decided to bottle it up and keep it to myself, including from family. Then just over two years ago, I told my parents whilst drunk (I know). Obviously they took it as a shock, and although I regret the way I told them, I am glad now that they know. But the problem was that I kept it to myself for so long, that once I opened up the can of worms, ALL of the built up emotions towards the assault came pouring out. It was a slow birth, I started to become moody and agitated about little things. I started to look down on myself, questioning my abilities and self-worth. But it was manageable, to a point. That was until I had a trigger. To be totally honest, I can’t quite remember what the trigger was (which is good), but it was enough to push me over the edge. My mind went from okay, to a dark place really quick. I started having suicidal thoughts, acting on them, missing college, dumping friends, having nightmares and more. I was having a breakdown, there’s no other way to put it. I had officially burnt out. At least it felt that way. I would lay in bed at night, almost terrified to fall asleep in case the nightmares came. I would cry on my pillow wishing that I wouldn’t have to wake up the next morning, and crying again when I did. The light from the sun would shine in my room, but it felt dark, I felt dark. Everything about myself and my life felt empty. There was one thing that I repeatedly told myself and my mum, a sentence that summed up my state of mind – “I just want all the thoughts to go away”. And that’s exactly what I wanted. I wanted to stop thinking about the assault, I wanted to stop the nightmares, I wanted to stop my family feeling sorry for me. I wanted everything about the assault to disappear, and in my mind, there was only one way to do that.
Looking back now, it’s hard to imagine my life being like that again. In just the space of two short years, with the help of this blog and Uni, I have managed to turn my life around and build a future for myself. I went from crying in the morning, to smiling. I feel happier, I feel like a person again. I feel like myself again.
I am going to end this post here, I know it’s only a short one, but I want to end with a message. If you are currently feeling low, depressed, anxious or anything that you feel is having a negative impact on your life and mental health, then please reach out to someone, even if it’s a stranger like myself! And please know that you can also turn your life around.
Thank you for reading,