This is a question I have been asking myself daily, since I found out he got married. It’s hard to imagine him being a compassionate and loving husband, but how would I know? The man I knew was not a man, he was a monster. He made me feel small, like I was nothing more than a bug to be squished. So again, I ask, what do you do when the man who hurt you moves on with his life? What do you do when he moves on, but you haven’t? I have been riddled with revenge the past few days, the words “if I cant move on, then neither can he” playing in my head like a broken record. But what good will that do? Apart from destroy multiple lives for the greater good of my own ego. As time goes on, the more I realise that the true strength comes not just from dealing with it, or moving on, but pretending it never happened. Pushing it aside as he has, and saying goodbye to the past. Focussing on my new life, and making it my mission to be forever happier than he ever will be. Working hard for a better job, a family that cares for me, children to bring up. Because the sweetest revenge, is being happier, and pitying the person I once feared.
The women in my family have always been strong, my mother being one of them. I always looked up to them with admiration, they were and are who I want to be, someone who can walk down a busy street with her head held high, with passion and strength. Someone who isn’t afraid to speak up, tell people what she thinks. Someone who, even when on their last thread, gets up every morning and carries on till they finally make something of themselves. I longed to be that person. I am that person.
So to answer my own question, what do you do when the man who hurt you moves on with his life? You move on too, just ten steps ahead.
I have many mental health projects on the way, as I think I had a realisation that I have drifted away from the whole mental health topic lately. One project I have coming up that I am very excited to be working on is “mental health for kids!”, which is all about raising awareness and teaching children across the world the importance of mental health and self care, and how to reach out to someone when you are feeling ‘blue’. But my current project is the one I am most excited about – “Let’s talk about the ‘R’ word”, which is all about, and everything associate with Rape. If you have been viewing my blog for a while now, you would know that I have openly shared my story and the effects it has had on not only my mental health, but my family’s also. My intention for this project is to join forces with other survivors, and spread awareness on the topic, and how it can effect someone. There have been so many cases lately where the victim has been blamed for the event, told they ‘asked’ for it by wearing a provocative outfit, or giving flirtatious signs, or anything else they can think of as an excuse. But the thing is, there is no excuse – no means no. When it happened to me, I was wearing a pretty floral dress that covered my neck and knees. I wasn’t flirting, I did know him, and I did say no – multiple times. But even though I knew I did nothing wrong, I was afraid to tell anyone or go to the police as I had this fear that I would come out as the bad guy. And I know there are many other girls across the world that feel the same way. Sometimes it’s not even rape, but touching, catcalling or inappropriate language and behaviour. Whatever the case, most women I know have the fear, and it’s not right. That is why this project is so important to me, it’s a chance for women to stand up and shout what they have been bottling up inside. I am not saying this is going to make a miraculous change to the justice system, but by joining forces, you have a greater chance for change.
If you are someone that has been through any form of sexual assault, reach out to me. I have been there, I know the feeling of having no one, I know the fear of talking, I know how it can break away every part of your soul. The ‘Me Too’ campaign made a difference in Hollywood, but not in normal day to day lives. So if you see this post, share it on social media with the hashtag #standforwomen and spread the word for this new campaign.
Once again, thank you for all of your support and generosity for the blog, my life would honestly be so different without it and you all!
Shrill evening birds shadow the sun
setting across the water;
in dreams the ocean
comes to full river.
Many times I have climbed this bridge
wildflowers changing the colour of the water,
stirring sparks of conversation
the hoist in the veins
thrashing a flight to autumn.
I hear your string of broken bird calls,
loud and wild as years turn it to echo;
a daydream of winter’s chill,
how gutless is fowl flight,
the comfort of wings.
set as they are jumbled, uneven.
Now there’s a blur of impressions,
the illogical strings in a catalogue of sound.
I walk this bridge alone,
touching air no one else can see,
one step at a time,
learning to be ME.
Whilst walking along what is probably known as the busiest street in the United Kingdom, I began to understand the true concept of shopping addiction. Along the famous Oxford Street, I witnessed young men and women rushing from store to store, purchasing numerous unneeded items.
Whilst purchasing my first item of the day in a small boutique, I came across a tall, middle-aged woman. She was determined to find the right pair of shoes for her daughter’s birthday and would clearly not settle for anything less than ordinary. She was a rude woman, stubborn and loud, treating the staff like rubbish on the side of a road. I knew from her 14 shopping bags, to be exact, that she was a careless woman with her money. Much like this woman, I too was often spending money without a consequence, not a pound in my pocket could not be spent. But this woman turned shopping into an art, she made it look so simple, yet so frustrating. On her last attempt to convince the staff to order a specific pair of shoes, her cheeks started to turn red, her eyes bulging and her temper growing.
She was addicted… ill. She had no reason to need these shoes, but it was almost as if her mind was telling her that she did. Soon in frustration, she stormed out of the store, across the street and into another small boutique. I can only imagine the suffering she would have endeared on the poor staff, and I do question as to whether she finally found her much needed shoes or not. I never understood the meaning of an addiction, but much like any other, shopping can become an illness, taking over your life. The need to live like a Kardashian, without the money to do so.
It is a very common fact that those suffering with depression often forget about the rules of money. I know that I personally spent almost all of my savings whilst having my breakdown as a way to distract myself from everyday struggles. I was lucky enough to seek professional help that would not only allow me to express my emotions in a one to one session, but offer financial support also. If you find yourself starting to stray away from responsibilities and shopping more than usual, I urge you too seek support urgently. One thing I learnt in this experience was that spending all this money caused nothing but more stress and grief. It was a nice feeling to wear those new pare of shoes for a little while, but it soon wore off when I suddenly could no longer pay for my bills.
Stay strong <3
No matter the mood, we often need a little ‘pick me up’. I have decided to share with you my top 5 self care tips! I hope you find them as helpful as I do.
Clean room, clean mind
One thing I have learned over the years, is that when you surround yourself with a clean environment, it instantly cleans your mind of those nasty thoughts. Whenever I am starting to feel stressed or down, my first move is always to clean my room!
A nice cuppa
This might possibly be the most British thing I have ever said, but there really isn’t anything that cannot be solved with a nice cup of tea. I often find when I’m feeling especially down, I am always cold! All I want to do is snuggle up in bed, but there are unfortunately often times you cannot. So my problem solver for this situation, is a cuppa of course!
My favourite show
Another self care trick I have, is to pop on my current favourite show. I often go for something light hearted or comical on certain days, but whatever works for you!
I have always been an arts and crafts kind of person, so this may not be helpful to those that aren’t. That being said, I find crafts very therapeutic, especially with some soothing music in the background!
This one may seem a little obvious, but I can honestly say I wouldn’t be the person I am today without music. Whenever I am having a bad day, all I need to do is pop a little music on! Whether it be my favourite song, or just some chilled out music, my mood instantly lifts. And before I know it, I have gone from crying on my bed, to dancing around my room singing Mamma Mia.