After the rain, I see the daisies,
in their clean, white dresses,
fresh and perfect.
Washed and bright,
their faces lifted to the skies,
and open to the sun.
Is it their youth that makes them so fearless,
despite their diminutive size?
A gullibility of spirit or
lack of worldly knowledge?
Or do their passing, unjustified lives
lead them to embrace the now?
No, their beauty springs from a truth far older,
for they are neither flashy nor flamboyant.
A daisy knows no duplicity,
has no jealousies, no pride.
Its wisdom lies deeper,
and it bends with the wind.
To value the time that we have,
to see beauty in the smallest places,
and to love without fear,
is a talent easily lost.
And the line between happy and sad is drawn
with a thin pencil and a light touch.
In miniature perfection,
a daisy lives fully,
its face in the sunlight.
It lives, and that is enough.
It’s officially 2019, and with 2018 finally behind us, we can only hope that this year will be a good one! I am not one for new year’s resolutions, as I feel that every year is just the same as the last. But I have made a ‘pact’, shall we say, that I will not let anyone or anything tear me down this year. Over the past few months, I have come to realise that the only person that can make a positive change in your life, is yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, but sometimes the most simplest decisions make, turn out to be the best ones. This blog has changed my life for the better. It gave me purpose, a strive to carry on and fight the demons in my mind. University changed my life for the better. It gave me strength and courage, forced me to step outside of my comfort zone. My point is that sometimes even the simplest of changed can make a huge difference.
I hope everyone reading this has had a safe and happy new year, and may 2019 be a good one! I would also like to say that I am grateful for all of your messages throughout the year, and please continue to spread the love throughout this year also!
What makes you smile? As in nothing else could compare to the feeling you get when you see a particular person or go to a particular place. For me, its the river. For some reason, when I step down from the bank onto the river edge, all my troubles and worries seem to float away along the glorious water. It helps me think, makes me see things in a different way. About ninety percent of my biggest decisions in life has come from simply the flowing water just down from my house. Should I go to university? Yes. Should I move with my family across country? Yes. What is my main life goal? Journalism.
There has been many times in my life where I have questioned my very existence, unable to move from my mattress, stressing about anything and everything. There has been times where moving was not an option, but only to sit in the same old four walls and cry, and cry, and cry. Im assuming that if you are reading this post that you too have experienced this. Where is your happy place? What song motivates you in the morning? What truly makes you smile that nothing, and I mean nothing, could drag you down?
For most University is an exciting and new time. And although the excitement was most definitely bubbling inside of me, so were the nerves. I thought of ways I could divert myself from homesickness, distract my mind on something else, something happier. And then it hit me, the best way to clear your mind of a bad emotion, is to release it. So I sat there for approximately 15 minutes on my first night, crying, and I can honestly say it helped. One thing I have learned over the years is that bottling up emotions does no good! Sure at the time you can push them to the back of your mind, and BAM you feel so much better, but once the mind cant store anymore emotions, thats when they begin releasing themselves, uncontrollably. Thats what happened to me, I held certain emotions back, and then once day they all came flying out at once. Thats the story of my mental breakdown, the day I actually thought I was going to die. To be totally honest, thats the day I tried to die. So when I post on this blog, it may seem half the time i’m chattering pure shite, but I do know what i’m talking about. Whatever emotion you are currently feeling, I can almost guarantee i’ve been there myself. But my best advice to anyone feeling down, sad, stressed or any kind of negative emotion, just cry! Release it. Crying isn’t a weakness.
Why? Well thats the thing, I don’t really know. I guess everyone has these days, struggling to open your eyes in the morning, without having a single clue as to why. But when you live with this feeling everyday, struggling every morning, you start to question everything in your life. You start to question the point of living, the point of waking up and doing your regular routine. Nothing makes you happy, nothing strives you to carry on.
In school they teach everything from how to string a sentence together to calculus. But one thing they don’t teach you, is how to live. How to wake up in the morning and not feel like a worthless piece of shit. How to push yourself through that bad patch in your life, when you really don’t want to live. The moments that hold you back, the moments that push you to your last breath. No one prepares you for the big changes in your life, and how to handle them in a healthy and stable manner. These are the life lessons you must learn on your own. And the truth is no matter your age, no one knows the true answer as to why we feel like this. Why we struggle to wake up, and why the world often feels like its tumbling down on top of us. I guess all we can do is carry on and try, some how, to push through the bad patches in life. This is a task much easier said than done, I know, but why end our lives over a bad day? Because, sometimes, thats the only way out.
Im reaching out to everyone reading this blog. Sometimes, the worst thing you can do is keep your thoughts to yourself. The more emotions you hold in, the more likely you are to burn out. Truth is there is only so much one can take before they have well and truly hit breaking point. For some it can be a major event or traumatic experience, but for others it can be simply a bad day. I am not qualified, nor would I ever intend on being, but I am a strong believer that strangers are the best people to talk to. Sitting your mother down, explaining everything going on in your life, why you wish you were dead, can be a hard conversation. But a stranger? Well, the chances are you are never going to see them again anyway. I would like to take this opportunity to reach out to everyone, and encourage you to talk to me. Share your stories, tell me about your shit day, talk to me about your dreams and aspirations! I created this blog for one purpose and one purpose only, to encourage. My contact details are on the menu selection, so please, open up and speak out!
Side note – If you wish to stay anonymous (completely understandable) then make sure you either leave the name section blank, or simply write ‘anonymous’.
There are days in everyones life that you just cant fight past. Today, for me, is one of those days. Death was the only thought that hit me first thing this morning. I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to go to work, I just wanted to die. So I tried to die, as that was the only cure out of this mess I could think of. I took a bunch of strong pills, and fell asleep on the sofa, praying that I wouldn’t wake up. But like before, I did. But this time I didn’t cry, I felt some sort of relief. Im glad I failed this time, because I now know I have to fight past this feeling. I have to fight past this flooding emotion of sadness, because if I don’t, then he has won. Now I feel nothing but ill, worse than I did last night. Its a wake up call, as if a message to say I am stronger than this. If I survive this emotion, then I am stronger than I have ever been. I am not one to sit back and wait for this to pass, because what will that achieve? The answer is nothing. It will achieve nothing but grief for my family and friends. I don’t want my pain to cause others pain. I don’t want to let my family suffer because of what happened to me, because then it means it defines my personality. It will define who I am as a person, and he doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t deserve to have that attention on him. Because nothing will happen. He won’t pay for what he’s done, he won’t suffer the way I did. He’d just carry on with his life, as if nothing happened, and id be buried in the ground somewhere. Thats not justice.
As I write this, it makes me realise what I have been putting myself through, my family through. I have been torturing them with my own pain and grief. If I want to fight past this, I need help. I know that now.
The strongest people are not those that who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.
There has been many times in my life when I have questioned the point of living. I mean, what is the point? I don’t know about you, but personally I have more negative experiences rather than positive. One thing after another. All faith lost, all joy missing. So again I ask, what is the damn point?
These thoughts haunt me every night. These are the thoughts that are going to kill me, truly break me down to my very last point. The truth is, negative thoughts are easy. Everyone has them, they always seem to pop up at the worst of times right? I want you think of every moment in your past that you honestly thought you’d never make it through. Every moment that you cried wishing you were dead. Every time you shut yourself from the outside world, secretly kissing everyone you loved goodbye. Every note you wrote, apologising. Every razor shaped scar on your skin. Now think about what you are doing right now. You are here, reading this post. You are alive! You are strong! Because believe me when I say, if you were weak, you wouldn’t be reading this. Although those pesky thoughts seem to take over, true strength is defined by how you handle them. Its not easy. Sometimes the biggest battle you will ever fight, will be with yourself. Believe me, I know, I’ve been there.